My Heart Is Broken

I’m going to pretend this white space is my friend for a moment.

I haven’t talked to you since last week, when my brother arrived. Having him here, without a doubt has been making me feel happier and more motivated.

I thought my three months at my job ended this week, but last Friday when I left work, I got the call that my assignment was completed. I literally cried. Who would have thought? After saying so many times how much I hated it at first. I mean, I still the hate the actual job, but those last days I was having kind of fun. And I was so used to the people already. They could’ve at least told me the day before so I could prepare myself mentally and say goodbye. The thing is, everyone, and I mean everyone, kept telling me that I was going to get hired in. My friend even told me that the person who deals with that said he was going to fight for me to stay. I was so hopeful that I was going back as a permanent employee. But, I still haven’t heard from them. Funny thing is that they’re not getting rid of me that easily. Sort of. My brother got a seasonal job there too. He started yesterday and he already has spoken with more people than I have in my entire life.-_____-. While his bravery and incredible social skills motivate and inspire me, I can’t help but feel jealous and sad.

Back home, I didn’t care that he was the friendly and social one. The one that everyone asked about. I really didn’t care. But here, it does hurt a little bit. This was my dream, I came here first, and trust me, the things I haven’t done in 4 months living here, he will in 2 weeks. Don’t get me wrong, I feel proud and happy for him, but it makes me feel sad about myself. I really wish I had some of his courage.

Now, I have to look for a job, which is making me anxious. I don’t want to have to get used to a new place again. But I have to do it, because as much as I’m enjoying watching every single episode of Sabrina: The Teenage Witch all day long, this is depressing me. *sighs* I wish they call me and ask me to go back, it would make everything so much easier. I’m stressed people, I am. I don’t like this. Hopefully my next post will have great news.

“Temporary Home”

temporary home

Hello, how are all of you doing?

I don’t know if I wrote about this already, but we moved to another house, and although there are new rules here that the person writing this dislike with passion, it feels a lot nicer. Besides that, I’m screaming with happiness because as you’re reading this, my brother is in a plane from PR to here. Yes, he is moving. A lot of things will contribute to the fact of him staying or not, but we have hope everything will work out. Not just for him, but for me too. My three months at work are almost over, I’m really hoping they hire me. If that happens, and my brother gets a job, we’re getting an apartment together. And I can’t tell you how excited I am for that. That means not being told everyday after you got home from work how you didn’t put the sponge where it was, or how you didn’t turn off the light, or whatever you did wrong. It means freedom. And it means home.

temporary home

Which leads me to the main subject of this post. After a month (I think) of being lazy and failing to do a photo, I went out there and shot something. I want to really commit to do photos that truly represent what I’m going through or what I’m feeling at that moment. I’m not sure this one shows visually what it means, but basically this has been my life over the last few months. Everything has been temporary. I’ve already moved twice in 4 months, and hopefully one more soon. My job is temporary. And some feelings and changes in me have also felt temporary. All of this feels strange and I still feel like I haven’t found my ground, my place or whatever it is my mind wants to say right now.

Of course, I was extremely happy to do this again. It helps my mood. I can’t wait for everything that is about to happen. I’ll keep you posted.

Catching up.

Well, HI! It’s been quite a while, I don’t know why. I don’t know why I keep doing less of what makes me happy.

Perhaps this is totally irrelevant to you, but I just wanted to let you know how things are going in my life.

I changed my hair. I thought I would panic when I saw all that chopped hair on the floor but I didn’t feel a single thing. So now it’s 6 inches shorter and black. I’ve always been so protective with my hair and never thought I would dye it at such a young age, but what the heck, why not?

Last Friday, I went out with my friend (kind of) from work. That meant no Spanish, out there naked. I thought I’d be more nervous, but no. I was just disappointed. With me. Again. I still can’t speak it guys. Unless someone asks me something like “How long have you been living here?” so I can answer with a fact, I can’t. When it’s something that requires my personal opinion, I don’t say anything. You don’t know how humiliated I feel every day. Although I’m proud because I have spoken quite more than I expected in situations where I have to. The thing is, I feel like it’s not going away. This fear is stuck with me. Do you really think it will go away?

Last thing, kind of silly, that I wanted to talk to you about was about this guy from work. Aghh I’m so mad. I had seen him a couple of times, but never really paid attention. He was just one of the few white guys at work. That maybe sounds totally racist, I swear I didn’t mean it like that. Anyway, there was one day, where he kind of smiled at me. I was like “oooh”. Then, later that day, when he walked by my work area, he gave me the biggest smile and waved at me. I smiled at waved back. That was the moment I fell in love. With his smile, I mean. Honestly, every time I think about it I feel all warm inside. It wasn’t like a normal smile, it was genuine and complete. Am I making sense? Anyway, it was beautiful! Just with that smile I knew that he had the kind of personality that I love in guys. I was so excited. When I was waiting for someone to pick me up that afternoon, I realized I left my headphones in my work area, so I rushed back and got them. And guess what? When I was leaving, I bumped into him. He smiled at me again and asked me “how are you doing?”, and guess what??? Me being incredibly stupid, acting like I was in a hurry, just said “good” not even facing him that much. -_____- Then, someone else came and started talking to him. I kept walking, very fast (I don’t know whyyy!!!) and the last words I heard from him were “have a nice life” (to the other guy). That was a Friday, I was so looking forward to that Monday, to be able to smile at him, and possibly talk. I’M STILL WAITING FOR HIM. THAT WAS WEEKS AGO, HE HASN’T RETURNED TO WORK. Can you believe that? Thanks life, that was awesome. I can’t seem to get him out of my mind. This is so stupid, but true. I don’t even know his name. Oh well, I’ll get over it.

I hope you’re all doing fantastic.

“Drowning In Fears”

Drowning In Fears

With this photo I got motivated again. No more snow. I decided that if I didn’t want the white stuff in my pictures anymore, I would have to do them inside, which I hadn’t done in a while. It was nice not having to bear low temperatures with little clothes and no shoes.

I think we all have felt these moments where we feel like we’re drowning in our fears and thoughts. And in some of those moments, the water can’t even reach us. We make it seem like it does.

Drowning In Fears

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Before

This photo is literally representing my week. I finally got myself a car, but as you may know I’ve never liked driving. It terrifies me and gives me anxiety. That day was supposed to be one of my happiest and I ended up having more stress than ever. One hour after buying the car, I left my keys inside. It took me one hour to have the guts to call someone to come and unlock it. I’ve had to do a lot of things that in Spanish I wouldn’t. I got so frustrated and incredibly mad at myself for making a big deal out of everything. For getting anxious for every single little thing. I need someone with me. I need my brother at least. But I have to learn to do these things on my own.

I hope you enjoy this picture. I’ll talk to you soon.

Panic Attacks

A couple of years ago, I found out what social anxiety was, and after reading endless explanations of what it was, I was convinced that it was what I had. What I have.

I felt kind of unsure because I didn’t suffer from panic attacks. Not that I knew of anyway. Although you don’t have to have panic attacks to suffer from anxiety. But to be honest, I always avoided situations that may lead to that.

Until now. All my life, I’ve lived in my own little bubble, not doing things out of fear. And now, I’ve had to do it all at once. Everything, all at once. It goes without saying that it has been more than overwhelming.

I’ve been doing honestly so much better, I’m getting back my positive attitude so that had helped me a lot. Specially to recover the patience that I had lost and my good humor. Now I even have sort of a friend. He works with me, and gave me his number so I texted him. He did it with another intentions at first but I needed a friend, and he has been a good one. Although we don’t talk at work. We just text because well…words can’t come out of my mouth. So frustrating..but that’s a whole other post.

The thing is, just when I thought my anxiety had leveled down, I started having panic attacks. This isn’t a big deal, I just wanted to talk to you guys because you always make me feel better. They’re not bad, mine are very mild. At first, I didn’t know what was happening but then I realized that they were panic attacks. It happens almost every morning when I start working, I get dizzy, I get hot/cold flashes, I start shaking and it’s just harder to breathe.

They’re weird. But I’m not going to make a big fuss about it, I think for a person like me, doing what I’m doing, it’s pretty normal to have them. Thinking about it better, they actually make me feel good, because if I’m having them, it means that I’m doing something that scares me, which means I’m out of my comfort zone (not that I didn’t know this of course), which means that I’m living. I’m actually living people. And it’s scary as hell.

Thank you,

Minnie.

“Frozen Inside”

Frozen Inside

I didn’t realize it until I finished this photo, but it’s perfect for the weather. These last weeks have had so many days below zero. Honestly, I think winter is sort of..interesting, but can it be Spring already?

Frozen Inside

I’m trying to make my photos show my feelings as much as possible, and although I’m not really sure what this means, a part of me is just frozen. I thought of this idea when I saw Frozen. Originally it was going to be an exact copy of the scene where Elsa is chained, but because of lack of props and things that happen along the way, it ended up like this. And I’m quite happy with it. I’m excited for the next one.

I’ve been doing a little better, I live for the moments when I get in a weird, very good mood out of nowhere. I hope you’re all well, we’ll talk soon.

Life Resume.

life resume

There is just something about the thought of doing the same thing your whole life that makes me feel desperate and fills me with an incredible sadness. I guess it’s just not doing the same thing, but knowing how it’s going to be. I’m aware that you can’t really know how your life is going to turn out because a one second moment can drastically change it but..knowing how it’s potentially going to be like, freaks me out.

Being in school for twelve years, in college for at least another four, and then 40 on the same job. That’s not how I see life. Not my life, anyways. The thought of not being able to do a different thing terrorizes me but I have faith that I won’t.

As much as going to college, to study something is somehow comforting and makes you feel safe because there’s more possibilities of having a stable life, that’s not what I want on my life resume.

life resume

I want adventure and crazy experiences. I want something different every day. Things worth telling. My life has been too safe till now. Too safe. This doesn’t mean that from now on I will be taking drugs and having sex with everyone, but I do want to take risks and live a little more on the edge. Not making decisions based on how my reputation is going to look like, but for me. Saying yes to things that may seem a bit crazy. And just worry more on how my decisions are affecting my present, not my future.

What do you want on your life resume?

Thank you,

Minnie.