We sometimes think that our parents are a reflection of our future selves. We think that if they are divorced, we have a possibility of ending up like that too. We think that if they didn’t achieved their dreams, we won’t either. We think that if they are a certain way, we are likely to become like them. We think that the way they treated us is the same way we are going to treat our own children. Why is that? Why is it that we think we are going to repeat the same cycle over again?
My parents are the most valued thing I have. Specially my father. I am infinitely thankful for them. But I’m scared. I do not want to become like them. Don’t take me wrong. They are magnificent people, they genuinely are. But I want to be different.
Let’s talk about my father first. I identify with him in a lot of ways. We are both dreamers. He see things a certain way that is just wonderful. A very pacific person, sometimes. He’s a musician and his biggest frustration is not have become a professional musician. He was in a music school but he got married and had kids way too early and had to leave that. But still, at his old age, he keeps playing and learning. He’s my biggest inspiration to pursue my dreams.
About my mother, well, we are like those friends that are always fighting. You know that when someone ask you who’s the person you admire the most, you answer, normally if you are a girl, “my mom”. Well, I can’t say that. I would be a hypocrite. And it hurts me, because I would like her to be that person. Of course, I love her, I mean, she’s my mother. I adore her. But as person, she is not someone I look up to. Although she’s got a big heart, she lives just to die. I would like to say that she is a strong woman, but she’s not. She’s emotionally weak. Extremely. She’s always crying, about everything. Now she’s always mad too. There’s someone at her work that is making her professional life miserable and that is making her crazy. Now she just comes from work, plays at her phone, and sleeps. She doesn’t want to do anything other than that. There are good days, where she laughs and do things and is just beautiful. But those good days are just a few.
The problem here is that I’m like her, in some ways. I’m weak, not as weak as she is though. Sometimes I have a bad temper, which I hate. And it’s hard for me to be charming and express my feelings, just like her. I’m scared. I don’t want to become my mother. I know I don’t have to be like her. But still, it scares me. When my dad and brother tell me that I’m exactly like her, something inside of me screams of fear. It’s not that she is not great, she is, and I love her no matter what. It’s just that i want to become my own self and not a reflection of anyone.