Guys, I haven’t write this kind of post in a long time because I told myself not to, but I feel like it’s necessary for me. Even if you’re not interested, I want to because I need to talk to someone.
If you have followed me for a while and read my posts, then you know that:
– I don’t speak English very well, in fact, I’ve never spoken English in person with anyone, never. And the idea of it terrifies me.
– I live in Puerto Rico.
– My biggest wish was to move to the U.S( or to England, but for now that’s going to have to wait)
– That wish is now a reality.
Okay, now that you know what you need to know, let me start. I was going to move in June but the person who I’m going to be staying with (my sister’s mom) told me to wait until August so that the attic could be ready and I could stay there. And because my sister always go there for Labor day, I decided to wait and go with her.
I was happy that I wouldn’t have to travel alone because that day was going to be stressful enough for me to have to deal with everything on my own.
But to my surprise (not really) my sister can’t go. As always. There is always a problem with her. The first time she told me that maybe she couldn’t go I freaked out. The second time it was like “whatever” but deep inside I was scared. But when she finally confirmed me that she couldn’t go, I was ready. I was mad, but I didn’t want to depend on her anymore.
Yesterday, I bought the ticket for the 27th. And because I didn’t tell her before I bought it, she was mad and came to my house and we basically yelled at each other like never before. I always try to be respectful towards her, I never tell her when something about her bothers me, but yesterday I let it all out. I’m not going to go into details of what happened because this post would be too long.
The thing is that I’m mad. And I’m freaking out. It was going to be so much easier going with her because I was going to be more comfortable and…..
But I think I’m starting to have little panic attacks now that I finally have a date. It’s getting closer and closer and I still don’t overcome my fear of speaking English. how will I get a job?
I’m not very close to my sister’s mom, and I’m scared I will be uncomfortable in her house.
My parents. My family. My comfort zone. I have to risk all of that.
I swear that if it wasn’t so important for me to leave, I would have changed my mind already. But I have to do it. I have to be brave. But I don’t know if I can deal with that much.
Even though my oldest brother, and niece are there, I wish I could just go to a better place with a strange family or with someone I’m REALLY comfortable with.
I’m being so ungrateful right now. I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s happening to me.
And I don’t know why because this is what I wanted. I wanted to leave. I wanted a change.
I want to be completely independent already. Speak english without any fear and live comfortably in California or England. And I don’t know if that’s going to happen. I don’t know how.
I don’t like feeling like this.. Negative.
But I’m going crazy. I just want to cry on someone’s shoulder all day.
I don’t know what I’m doing.