Going Crazy

Guys, I haven’t write this kind of post in a long time because I told myself not to, but I feel like it’s necessary for me. Even if you’re not interested, I want to because I need to talk to someone.

If you have followed me for a while and read my posts, then you know that:

– I don’t speak English very well, in fact, I’ve never spoken English in person with anyone, never. And the idea of it terrifies me.

– I live in Puerto Rico.

– My biggest wish was to move to the U.S( or to England, but for now that’s going to have to wait)

– That wish is now a reality.

Okay, now that you know what you need to know, let me start. I was going to move in June but the person who I’m going to be staying with (my sister’s mom) told me to wait until August so that the attic could be ready and I could stay there. And because my sister always go there for Labor day, I decided to wait and go with her.

I was happy that I wouldn’t have to travel alone because that day was going to be stressful enough for me to have to deal with everything on my own.

But to my surprise (not really) my sister can’t go. As always. There is always a problem with her. The first time she told me that maybe she couldn’t go I freaked out. The second time it was like “whatever” but deep inside I was scared. But when she finally confirmed me that she couldn’t go, I was ready. I was mad, but I didn’t want to depend on her anymore.

Yesterday, I bought the ticket for the 27th. And because I didn’t tell her before I bought it, she was mad and came to my house and we basically yelled at each other like never before. I always try to be respectful towards her, I never tell her when something about her bothers me, but yesterday I let it all out. I’m not going to go into details of what happened because this post would be too long.

The thing is that I’m mad. And I’m freaking out. It was going to be so much easier going with her because I was going to be more comfortable and…..

But I think I’m starting to have little panic attacks now that I finally have a date. It’s getting closer and closer and I still don’t overcome my fear of speaking English. how will I get a job?

I’m not very close to my sister’s mom, and I’m scared I will be uncomfortable in her house.

My parents. My family. My comfort zone. I have to risk all of that.

I swear that if it wasn’t so important for me to leave, I would have changed my mind already. But I have to do it. I have to be brave. But I don’t know if I can deal with that much.

Even though my oldest brother, and niece are there, I wish I could just go to a better place with a strange family or with someone I’m REALLY comfortable with.

I’m being so ungrateful right now. I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s happening to me.

And I don’t know why because this is what I wanted. I wanted to leave. I wanted a change.

I want to be completely independent already. Speak english without any fear and live comfortably in California or England. And I don’t know if that’s going to happen. I don’t know how.

I don’t like feeling like this.. Negative.

But I’m going crazy. I just want to cry on someone’s shoulder all day.

I don’t know what I’m doing.

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12 thoughts on “Going Crazy

  1. Firstly, if this is how you would speak English, then you are very very capable. Your English is great, and definitely above what you would need to get a job so please don’t worry πŸ™‚

    Also, I always get something called travel anxiety. I’ve had to make some solo trips in my life and it’s always daunting. It’s totally normal for you to feel nervous and anxious. You have quite a scary ordeal ahead of you but you made this decision so part of you knows that it’s for the best. Your brain is just playing tricks on you now πŸ™‚

    You are going to be fine. You are going to see your family and even if you are not 100% comfortable with them, this trip will give you the opportunity to be πŸ™‚ Good luck.

    1. Thank you so much for the comment Jane. It made me feel a lot better. It’s all scary but I know everything will be okay even if it’s not right away. I have to deal with the decision that I made.

  2. Firstly, I didn’t know you didn’t know English. You speak very well..at least your write very well. I could never tell you couldn’t speak. I know the fear of not being able to speak a foreign language around people- I’m the same with French. Maybe you can practice with someone who you’re comfortable with?
    And it does suck being dependant on someone who backs out at the last moment. She probably had it coming, I don’t blame you for yelling at her.
    I hope you get over your fear of speaking English in public. I think you can do it because you write so well!! Good luck hon!

    1. I’ve tried so many times with someone I’m comfortable with but words just don’t come out. I’m too shy and too perfectionist. I practice when I’m alone though haha. But I have faith that when I find myself in a situation where I need to speak it, I will. Thank you so much for the comment πŸ˜€

      1. See? It all turned out for the best- everything happens for a reason πŸ™‚

      2. Well, now I have to figure out what I’m going to do these months. But even though I have to wait longer now, it was for the best πŸ˜€

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