Well, well..Hello cyber friends.
Today is THE day. The day I longed for so many years. The post I’ve been wanting to write since the beginning of my journey here. THE DAY I LEAVE MY HOME.
For some reason, it doesn’t feel like I thought it would feel. I thought this post was going to have a photo of me smiling in the airport telling you how happy I was. But not at all. I’m writing this four days before, but I already crossed the ocean when you’re reading this.
I always thought that I would be screaming of happiness, and crying and crying from sadness. I’m feeling…blank.
Not quite happy, not quite sad. Just scared, I guess.
The other day something weird happened. My father came to hug me and told me that he still couldn’t believe that I was leaving. My mom and I, of course started crying. That’s not the weird part. The weird part is that since that moment, I feel nothing. Even when we talk about it, I don’t feel like crying, like I always used to.
Maybe I shut down a part of me to avoid sadness.
I’m scared. So scared. And my main fear hasn’t changed. It’s speaking English. Why do I have to fear something so harmless as a language? I’m scared that I won’t be able to ask for a job and I’ll let myself down. I’m scared that I’ll never get used to that life.
My only weapon is to be positive and have faith that everything will be okay.
Sometimes when I think about this it feels more like I’m doing something against my will, I don’t know why I’m feeling like this, honestly. I’m lucky. And I feel incredibly grateful for this opportunity, but I don’t know what I’m feeling.
I want to read this in six months and tell my future self a couple of things.
Hello Minnie, how are you doing? I hope your answer is “actually I’m doing really great, I have a job, I have friends, I’m independent..I feel happy” but if it’s not, and you’re feeling sad and scared and wanting to go back to PR(oh gosh I hope you don’t want that) please know that this takes time, You knew that. This is not easy, but you can do it. If today you’re not feeling good, I want you to go out and make a photo, or an illustration, or just write something in your blog. Do something, smile, believe that everything will be okay, because it will. Right now, I’m feeling positive, scared, but positive. I hope that hasn’t changed.
If you ask me right now, “are you ready?, do you know what you’re doing?”, this will be my answer: No, but that’s the most exciting part.
For some of you this may not seem like a big deal, but trust me, a 19 years old girl who has social anxiety which makes everything harder, leaving her parents that are the most precious thing to her, to go to an English speaking country without a plan and a big fear to their language, IS A BIG DEAL.
I wish I could describe this in better words, but I can’t. My mind is a little bit of a mess right now.
*sighs* This is so hard. I’ll talk to you again when I’m settled there.