I’m back.

I feel like maybe this is a waste of time or words considering the amount of people that must have forgot about me by now, but I’m still going to write this post.

First of all, hi.

I hope you’ve all been good, I can’t imagine the amazing things I’ve missed from all of you.

As some of you may remember, I left for Air Force BMT this past February and I was supposed to write my post BMT post in April, because BMT is only two months. WELL, NOT FOR ME.

Unfortunately, me not being in shape at all and not being used to run on concrete for half an hour three days a week had me suffer some not pleasant consequences. I got stress fractures on my legs and was sent to “MED HOLD”, and that was my home for two more months. I could go on and on about how awful that experience was, but that’s for another post.

The thing is, I almost didn’t graduate. I was about to go home. But fortunately, I did graduate, then I went to tech school and graduated, and now I’m in operational Air Force, at my first duty station, McConnel AFB in Kansas. Very exciting place, I know. It’s not bad at all, actually.

I’m going to leave all the details (there are way too many) for another post or possibly a video. Everything has been a crazy experience and I want to share it with who ever is still here.

Just know I’m good, I’ve missed blogging and taking pictures, and I’ll talk to you soon.

Leaving For BMT.

While you’re reading this, I’m already on my plane to San Antonio, Texas for basic military training. I just wanted to take a moment to thank you all for all your support throughout this entire journey, since I started blogging. WordPress changed my life, and I’m very grateful for the people I’ve met here. You all are so incredible. 

As you can imagine, I’m really really nervous, but I’m also feeling positive. So I’m hoping after the first week I don’t feel so much like crying.

I’m not saying goodbye, but I’m going to be gone for two months, and after that I might not be able to blog a lot, but I’m definitely going to try my best to do so. I can’t actually wait to tell you about how everything went. 

We’ll talk soon. Thanks a lot for everything guys, I hope you’re doing great.

Back Home.

I’m starting this post from the place it all started. My little corner on the couch of my house. Not my house anymore, my home. Now, after a few days, I’m finishing it in the place that made me happy and changed my life, my actual house..or apartment.

I don’t recall if I mentioned it here, but these past two weeks I went back home to PR to be with my family and some friends before leaving for the USAF.

When I got there, I immediately remembered why I wanted to leave that place in the first place. I felt weird the first day at my house, like it wasn’t my house anymore. The days passed and that feeling went away. It was like reliving my life a year ago.

I feel grateful that I got to spend a few days back there, like the old days, with my parents, enjoying every second. I made new friends, one of them gave me the most perfect last day. It was honestly beautiful.

I understood that PR is always going to feel like home, that even though I don’t really like it, it’s going to give me that sense of comfort and warmth that nothing else probably will.

My heart is full of beautiful memories. I’m going to miss so much.

“Blue Neighborhood”

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“Blue Neighborhood”

‘Everything you’re running away from is in your head’

This will probably be my last photo before leaving for BMT. I’m feeling every possible emotion that one could ever feel. But I’m positive that facing all my fears and hopefully overcoming them will give me a new perspective on things, which can help me creatively. I’m really looking forward to see what the Air Force brings for me.

 

I’m so glad I was able to finish this series, my first ever series. It’s not exactly like I imagined it, but it’s something. Something really personal. I leave in two weeks, yes, I’m nervous, I feel like I’m dying. But it’ll be fine.

I’ll try to talk to you before I leave, hope you’re all doing fine.

“Someone Else’s House”

This is so funny guys, I can’t say anything about this photo, and that’s exactly what this photo is about. I guess it’s too personal the feeling that this one represents that I just can’t. I don’t know why.

I already finished this series, I’ll post the last one next week. I’m really happy that I got to finish it as it’s really important to me.

I’ll talk to you soon.

 

“The Overthinker”

My previous photo “Please Don’t Bite” is the first one of my new series called “Anxiety”. This is the second one, representing how we miss the bigger picture when we try to over analyze every single detail of every single thing. Sometimes the most enjoyable things are the little ones, the ones we ignore trying to find the meaning of the ones that don’t have any.

I don’t remember if I told you, but I leave for the Air Force on February 23. I just hope to be able to finish this series before I leave, I think it’s a great way for me to express my anxiety. I’ll talk to you soon.

I miss me

Dear friends,

I won’t apologize again to you for my lack of posts, and for disappearing again, because let’s be honest, I can’t start every post the same way.

It hurts to say this, but I’ve failed myself. I completely lost what I wanted to keep the most. A few minutes ago I was reading some of my old posts, and I found a little paragraph that I wrote to myself, for me to read it after 6 months of having moved here. It’s been 11 months already, and although I did read it after six months, when I read it again today, it made me wonder why. Why did I ever stop creating?

I don’t create anything nowadays. Not a photo, not an illustration, I don’t even write anymore. Heck, I can’t even read a book! I’ve had a book in my nightstand for months and I’m not halfway through it yet.

I also came here hoping to make my art my career, and never stop trying as hard as it was. I gave up without even trying. Now I’m leaving for the Air Force, and I’m scared of losing myself entirely. I’m scared to live the life that I’ve always said I didn’t want for me. A life with no dreams, because they’re just too unreal. A life with no magic.

What I really need to do right now to feel like myself again is to simply create, and find my happiness in whatever I do. If any of you have struggled with the same thing, how do you deal with it?

I apologize for my lack of positivity right now, and it’s not that I’m not happy, I just feel like I’m slowly losing a huge part of me. I don’t want to find happiness with no creativity involved in my life. Again, I’m sorry, I wanted to express my feelings the way I used to, blogging.

“Please Don’t Bite”

 I don’t even know how to put into words how much I’ve missed this. Creating. It’s been three months since I did a self portrait. A couple of weeks ago, I did the engagement session for my brother and her fiancé. But as much as I loved it, I needed to do one of mine.

A lot has happened these past few days. I’m officially part of the US Air Force. I want to write a post about how was MEPS and all the process but it’s too long. I’m lazy. But yes, I’m more than excited.

My parents came to visit my brother and I, it was just like old times. They’re already gone. Life without them is not easy.

So yesterday, I told my brother to go with me take this photo, because my heart couldn’t take it anymore. I needed to feel what I feel when I create. I feel my true essence. This one, may look simple, but it’s right for what’s happening currently in my life.

I’m about to take a journey, which terrifies me, but as scary as it is, I’m not going to let fear stop me. All of this is completely new and weird for me. Sometimes I feel like I’m not going to belong, but I’m sure going to try it. I know the Air force has great things for me.

I’m so glad to be back on track. I miss you guys. Hope you like this little photo.

Everything Is Good

Guys, I feel like I owe you a thank you, or something like that. I just wanted to write this little post to let you know that after writing my last one, where not all things were great, everything started to fall into place.

I finally met my Air Force recruiter, and next week I’m going to take the ASVAB, and go to MEPS (which I’m definitely going to write about). Wish me luck, I’m so nervous.

And last week I started my new job. For the first time, I can say that I like my job. It’s honestly great.

Last weekend I did the engagement session for my brother and his fiancé, and although not everything turned out exactly how I wanted it, most of the photos are good. I missed spending hours in photoshop. I really want to shoot my own photos again, let’s see if I can do it soon.

Thanks again for your good vibes and wishes. They helped a lot. You always make me feel better. Talk to you soon!

Where Am I?

I failed myself once again. No. I’m not going to make this a negative post, I’m trying to stay away from negativity as much as I can. It hasn’t been easy this time though.

I could explain everything that has been going on in specific details, but I don’t think you would want to read about it, nor I would like to write about it. Instead, I’m just going to try and summarize it, which I’ve always been pretty bad at.

I’m unemployed. I couldn’t stand my job, so the reckless Minnie decided it was enough. Now, I have my brother complaining everyday about how he has to pay everything. I’ve been like this for almost two months. I’ve been looking and apparently no one wants me. I haven’t written or taken a photo for a long long time. And the most exciting one, I’ve decided to join the Air Force. This time is not a joke. I promise.

The option came to me in a moment where I would consider anything, but I actually made the decision after a lot of research. Now I’m in love with the idea. Again, I could tell you everything about it, but let’s leave that for another post.

I’m really trying to see the bright side here, but I’m getting so desperate for not having a job, and for not doing the one thing that makes me happy. I hope I can make a photo soon, but anyway next weekend I’m going to do the engagement session of my brother, and the theme is Snow White. Which makes me the happiest person alive, because with all this spare time I got obsessed with Once Upon A Time, I think it’s my favorite tv show now. I just can’t wait to create something inspired by it. It somehow made me believe again.

*sighs* You have no idea how much I missed writing about something, even if it was only rambling about my life. I feel like I have to start over again. New photos, new topics, new blog name…hmm, we’ll see.

I hope you’re all well, I’ve missed all of you.

           …

“Home”

Dear WordPress, I’m deeply sorry. I apologize for abandoning you like that. A lot has happened since my last post.

I got a new job, which I truly despise. But I also got my first apartment, which I’m in love with. When my brother moved here, and we both didn’t have jobs, I honestly was thinking the worse. Luckily, everything kind of fell into place, and two weeks ago we moved to our new home. It goes without saying that we couldn’t be happier right now.

Although that makes me very excited, there has been something frustrating me. I’m blocked. I got so many ideas for photos, but I can’t do them, I just can’t. I have no idea what’s happening but whenever I try to do one, and it’s time to edit it, I can’t get through it. They never work. And when I look at my old photos, I don’t like most of them. I don’t know what to do.

Update: I decided to try again and work with this photo I took and put all my effort. I’m so happy it worked. I feel like I’m also in a process of redefining or looking for my style, so that could be a reason why I’ve been feeling like that.

Everything lately have been all new to me, from having bills to facing the real world. In some way, it has been a little frustrating and sad. I don’t know what I want to do, I know that I’m going to pursue my dream of living out of my photography but that takes time. In the meantime, I don’t want to keep working at factories. But for people like me, with no studies, no sales skills and practically no English, that’s almost the only option. This has been bothering and stressing me. I was even thinking to join the air force or something crazy like that. I really am lost right now. Help me life, help me.

My Heart Is Broken

I’m going to pretend this white space is my friend for a moment.

I haven’t talked to you since last week, when my brother arrived. Having him here, without a doubt has been making me feel happier and more motivated.

I thought my three months at my job ended this week, but last Friday when I left work, I got the call that my assignment was completed. I literally cried. Who would have thought? After saying so many times how much I hated it at first. I mean, I still the hate the actual job, but those last days I was having kind of fun. And I was so used to the people already. They could’ve at least told me the day before so I could prepare myself mentally and say goodbye. The thing is, everyone, and I mean everyone, kept telling me that I was going to get hired in. My friend even told me that the person who deals with that said he was going to fight for me to stay. I was so hopeful that I was going back as a permanent employee. But, I still haven’t heard from them. Funny thing is that they’re not getting rid of me that easily. Sort of. My brother got a seasonal job there too. He started yesterday and he already has spoken with more people than I have in my entire life.-_____-. While his bravery and incredible social skills motivate and inspire me, I can’t help but feel jealous and sad.

Back home, I didn’t care that he was the friendly and social one. The one that everyone asked about. I really didn’t care. But here, it does hurt a little bit. This was my dream, I came here first, and trust me, the things I haven’t done in 4 months living here, he will in 2 weeks. Don’t get me wrong, I feel proud and happy for him, but it makes me feel sad about myself. I really wish I had some of his courage.

Now, I have to look for a job, which is making me anxious. I don’t want to have to get used to a new place again. But I have to do it, because as much as I’m enjoying watching every single episode of Sabrina: The Teenage Witch all day long, this is depressing me. *sighs* I wish they call me and ask me to go back, it would make everything so much easier. I’m stressed people, I am. I don’t like this. Hopefully my next post will have great news.

“Temporary Home”

Hello, how are all of you doing?

I don’t know if I wrote about this already, but we moved to another house, and although there are new rules here that the person writing this dislike with passion, it feels a lot nicer. Besides that, I’m screaming with happiness because as you’re reading this, my brother is in a plane from PR to here. Yes, he is moving. A lot of things will contribute to the fact of him staying or not, but we have hope everything will work out. Not just for him, but for me too. My three months at work are almost over, I’m really hoping they hire me. If that happens, and my brother gets a job, we’re getting an apartment together. And I can’t tell you how excited I am for that. That means not being told everyday after you got home from work how you didn’t put the sponge where it was, or how you didn’t turn off the light, or whatever you did wrong. It means freedom. And it means home.

Which leads me to the main subject of this post. After a month (I think) of being lazy and failing to do a photo, I went out there and shot something. I want to really commit to do photos that truly represent what I’m going through or what I’m feeling at that moment. I’m not sure this one shows visually what it means, but basically this has been my life over the last few months. Everything has been temporary. I’ve already moved twice in 4 months, and hopefully one more soon. My job is temporary. And some feelings and changes in me have also felt temporary. All of this feels strange and I still feel like I haven’t found my ground, my place or whatever it is my mind wants to say right now.

Of course, I was extremely happy to do this again. It helps my mood. I can’t wait for everything that is about to happen. I’ll keep you posted.

Catching up.

Well, HI! It’s been quite a while, I don’t know why. I don’t know why I keep doing less of what makes me happy.

Perhaps this is totally irrelevant to you, but I just wanted to let you know how things are going in my life.

I changed my hair. I thought I would panic when I saw all that chopped hair on the floor but I didn’t feel a single thing. So now it’s 6 inches shorter and black. I’ve always been so protective with my hair and never thought I would dye it at such a young age, but what the heck, why not?

Last Friday, I went out with my friend (kind of) from work. That meant no Spanish, out there naked. I thought I’d be more nervous, but no. I was just disappointed. With me. Again. I still can’t speak it guys. Unless someone asks me something like “How long have you been living here?” so I can answer with a fact, I can’t. When it’s something that requires my personal opinion, I don’t say anything. You don’t know how humiliated I feel every day. Although I’m proud because I have spoken quite more than I expected in situations where I have to. The thing is, I feel like it’s not going away. This fear is stuck with me. Do you really think it will go away?

Last thing, kind of silly, that I wanted to talk to you about was about this guy from work. Aghh I’m so mad. I had seen him a couple of times, but never really paid attention. He was just one of the few white guys at work. That maybe sounds totally racist, I swear I didn’t mean it like that. Anyway, there was one day, where he kind of smiled at me. I was like “oooh”. Then, later that day, when he walked by my work area, he gave me the biggest smile and waved at me. I smiled at waved back. That was the moment I fell in love. With his smile, I mean. Honestly, every time I think about it I feel all warm inside. It wasn’t like a normal smile, it was genuine and complete. Am I making sense? Anyway, it was beautiful! Just with that smile I knew that he had the kind of personality that I love in guys. I was so excited. When I was waiting for someone to pick me up that afternoon, I realized I left my headphones in my work area, so I rushed back and got them. And guess what? When I was leaving, I bumped into him. He smiled at me again and asked me “how are you doing?”, and guess what??? Me being incredibly stupid, acting like I was in a hurry, just said “good” not even facing him that much. -_____- Then, someone else came and started talking to him. I kept walking, very fast (I don’t know whyyy!!!) and the last words I heard from him were “have a nice life” (to the other guy). That was a Friday, I was so looking forward to that Monday, to be able to smile at him, and possibly talk. I’M STILL WAITING FOR HIM. THAT WAS WEEKS AGO, HE HASN’T RETURNED TO WORK. Can you believe that? Thanks life, that was awesome. I can’t seem to get him out of my mind. This is so stupid, but true. I don’t even know his name. Oh well, I’ll get over it.

I hope you’re all doing fantastic.

“Drowning In Fears”

With this photo I got motivated again. No more snow. I decided that if I didn’t want the white stuff in my pictures anymore, I would have to do them inside, which I hadn’t done in a while. It was nice not having to bear low temperatures with little clothes and no shoes.

I think we all have felt these moments where we feel like we’re drowning in our fears and thoughts. And in some of those moments, the water can’t even reach us. We make it seem like it does.

Before

This photo is literally representing my week. I finally got myself a car, but as you may know I’ve never liked driving. It terrifies me and gives me anxiety. That day was supposed to be one of my happiest and I ended up having more stress than ever. One hour after buying the car, I left my keys inside. It took me one hour to have the guts to call someone to come and unlock it. I’ve had to do a lot of things that in Spanish I wouldn’t. I got so frustrated and incredibly mad at myself for making a big deal out of everything. For getting anxious for every single little thing. I need someone with me. I need my brother at least. But I have to learn to do these things on my own.

I hope you enjoy this picture. I’ll talk to you soon.

Panic Attacks

A couple of years ago, I found out what social anxiety was, and after reading endless explanations of what it was, I was convinced that it was what I had. What I have.

I felt kind of unsure because I didn’t suffer from panic attacks. Not that I knew of anyway. Although you don’t have to have panic attacks to suffer from anxiety. But to be honest, I always avoided situations that may lead to that.

Until now. All my life, I’ve lived in my own little bubble, not doing things out of fear. And now, I’ve had to do it all at once. Everything, all at once. It goes without saying that it has been more than overwhelming.

I’ve been doing honestly so much better, I’m getting back my positive attitude so that had helped me a lot. Specially to recover the patience that I had lost and my good humor. Now I even have sort of a friend. He works with me, and gave me his number so I texted him. He did it with another intentions at first but I needed a friend, and he has been a good one. Although we don’t talk at work. We just text because well…words can’t come out of my mouth. So frustrating..but that’s a whole other post.

The thing is, just when I thought my anxiety had leveled down, I started having panic attacks. This isn’t a big deal, I just wanted to talk to you guys because you always make me feel better. They’re not bad, mine are very mild. At first, I didn’t know what was happening but then I realized that they were panic attacks. It happens almost every morning when I start working, I get dizzy, I get hot/cold flashes, I start shaking and it’s just harder to breathe.

They’re weird. But I’m not going to make a big fuss about it, I think for a person like me, doing what I’m doing, it’s pretty normal to have them. Thinking about it better, they actually make me feel good, because if I’m having them, it means that I’m doing something that scares me, which means I’m out of my comfort zone (not that I didn’t know this of course), which means that I’m living. I’m actually living people. And it’s scary as hell.

Thank you,

Minnie.